A woman. Reclaiming her essence. Hoping to raise her children to know the important stuff.
I create the inevitable spiralling descent when once more I pour scorn ‘pon my lover’s kind attempts to match my mental goalposts; not laying to rest but rather confirming words old ghosts spoke. Can kind hearts & coronets, tender words & forgiveness met suffice? Can we build, ground zero upwards, daring to be each other’s hero? Short accounts kept, not short changed. But changed, transformed, renewed. Past lives subdued, new growth encouraged, tended in this spring garden. Let’s not harden our hearts my love. Be patient with me a while yet please. Be patient with me a while yet.
daily I bathe in a pool of my tears
body wracked, mind veers
put pen to paper yet remain mute
thoughts tumble, so convolute
layer upon layer I try to unpick
like a wonky hem, being unstitched
back to the start, the beginning of time
before I felt your hand in mine
Sometimes a day turns out to be unexpectedly good. Take today for example. Having been a dirty stop out on Friday night (no, make that Saturday morning) I went to bed nice and early last night like a good girl (stop laughing). This resulted in me being wide eyed and bushy tailed at 6.30am. What to do at 6.30am on a Sunday morning?? Obviously I lay there for a while, listening to the stillness, relishing the fact there was no urgency to leave the comfort of my bed until the lure of coffee was too strong to resist any longer.
Padding downstairs I could hear the soft sounds of sleeping teens and a waking cat. Whilst the kettle boiled and the coffee brewed I looked out at a rain-sodden garden. I’d hoped to go for a walk in the woods, perhaps have a mooch around the indie shops in a neighbouring town, maybe visit a farmers market but suddenly those ideas are not quite so appealing when the heavens are open. Now put the strait-jacket down but I had the urge to stand on the drenched grass and open my arms and heart wide. The cat joined me, somewhat bemused and there we stood. Me laughing, her quizzical, until I was soaked through. I dashed back into the house feeling alive, giddy and just a little bit mad. Cat, as is her wont, stayed outside getting water-logged. Happily there was a towel in the clean laundry pile, so divested of wet jimjams I took my coffee to bed.
Sunday morning, coffee and Nigel Slater is a pretty near-perfect combination. Especially when you’ve danced, semi-clad, in the pouring rain just moments before. Eventually I decided to get up and slowly the signs of life from other parts of the house started. I think they were waiting in the hope I would make breakfast, which of course is exactly what I did. Is there anything more satisfying than feeding teenagers? They are so appreciative of the culinary offerings you place in front of them that you don’t mind the stack of plates, pans, glasses and cutlery that they leave in their wake. In any case, washing up IS kinda therapeutic..so they tell me.
One guest left at lunchtime and Eldest Child and the BF went shopping for each other’s valentine’s gifts (call me naïve but doesn’t that defeat the object?) leaving Youngest Child home with mother. It doesn’t happen often so when she stayed put instead of vanishing up to the disorderly chaos of her room I was thrilled. We watched Jane Eyre (she rather liked Michael Fassbender) and ate an entire pack of peanut m&m’s whilst a gammon joint gently simmered. The house was filled with the delicious smell of smoked ham and companionship.
Of course the sheer guilt of all those chocolate covered peanuts kicked in so I followed the dvd with a x-trainer workout and when I was hot, sweaty and feeling a tiny bit virtuous EC arrived home complete with BF, a beautiful jumper and a gorgeous slab of (still untouched!) chocolate apparently made in a Hotel. Both for me. “Just because” was the answer to my confusion. I told you making breakfast for teens is gratifying. Sadly they had been unable to find anything suitable for the intended purpose at the shops so both EC & BF decamped to my sanctuary and joined me on my bed to browse the web via my laptop. I had been watching a comedy which became far more entertaining than the virtual shopping and before long YC wedged herself into a little space too and all 4 of us were watching tv on my bed. I looked around me and my heart was full. Unexpectedly good day? You betcha.
into my life
a new photo frame
in the making
staking a claim
to belong with the
the frozen seconds
before the future beckons
but instead the image
failed to develop
and you scooped up the
fragments of your shattered
montage; it was me left
battered & bleeding.
Something I wrote a while back & found in an old notebook.
Thought it worth letting it see the light of day..